Life Coach Nugget: Pressing Past Pity Parties

In the continued pursuit, as a life coach, to provide tools for women who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week I’m going to deal with the lie that says, "My unhappiness is somebody else’s fault."

I want to call it Pressing Past Pity Parties.

"You hurt my feelings!" 

 "If it weren’t for you I could have been something!" 

 "You made me get angry!"

These are some serious pity party statements.

Dr. Chris Thurman, author of the book, The Lies We Believe, states that the theme of his book is that our way of thinking about the circumstances of our lives is what makes or breaks us.

The lie I want to discuss today says, the situations outside of ourselves, FORCE us to feel and act in certain ways. In this way of thinking, we dump the responsibility for our responses onto anyone or anything else other than ourselves. It points the finger at others and no responsibility for our actions is taken.

A great example would be to picture yourself in your car waiting at a red traffic light, behind several cars. The traffic light turns green, but the car in the front doesn’t move because they're texting and not paying attention. By the time they realize that it's time to move forward, they drive slowly through the intersection, but you miss the opportunity to go through because the signal goes back to red. Your face gets warm, your pulse quickens and you yell at the inconsiderate person! That would be me in this type of situation. I’m working on my road rage issues.

Okay, so what was it that made you angry? Was it the inconsiderate person who chose to text? Was it the person behind them who didn’t blow their car horn to alert them? It’s their fault that you’re angry, right? Wrong! Their action or inaction did not MAKE you angry nor force you to scream at them.

According to Dr. Thurman, external events don’t have the ability to MAKE us feel what we feel or do what we do. Coming into that realization is a key component in separating the psychologically healthy person from the psychologically disturbed person. People who are psychologically healthy take responsibility for their own feelings and actions, while the psychologically disturbed person will blame other people or things for their feelings and actions.

My husband tells the story about the night after one of his brothers passed away, how he was lying in bed sinking into a deep, dark, sadness that was overwhelming his mind and emotions.

I recall how he forced himself to get out of the bed and he stepped into the hallway and began to pray out loud. He walked back and forth in the hallway outside of our bedroom, crying loudly, while praying and singing songs of worship with all of his might, refusing to give in to those heart-breaking waves of grief. At that moment, he made a choice to reach out to God in the midst of his sorrow. About a week later he had what he calls "a good, healthy, cleansing cry" which helped him through the rest of the grieving process.

Dr. Thurman reveals that the reality is that what we feel and what we choose to do with our feelings, comes from within us and not just because of what someone did or said, or from the circumstances without. You and I respond to situations and people because we make a choice to respond the way that we do. No one else has the responsibility for our feelings or actions, but us.

If we want to live healthy, successful and fruitful lives, we must choose to accept responsibility for our actions. We must press past the temptation to have a pity party. Feelings aren’t necessarily right or wrong, but our actions can be right or wrong.

Dr. Thurman concludes: Our feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant, are can be directed by how we think. No one forces us to think the way we think. We are responsible for how we act on the feelings that external events create. Our unhappiness or happiness is our choice.

So ladies, I’m not telling you to suppress your feelings, especially in the aftermath of loss and tragedy, or after a major conflict or disagreement with someone.  I’m insisting this: 

• Don't allow your feelings to lead you. 
• Don’t allow your feelings to make decisions for you. 
• Don’t allow your feelings to send you into a pit party. 

You’re better than that. You’re stronger than that.

Recapture Your Life,
Carol L. Green (Hon.Causa)

As the world's leading producers of CARE-Ready Life Coaches™, Chris and Carol Green teach and train community, government and education leaders, human service organizers, business visionaries, and neighborhood dreamers how to be much more effective by embracing the principles of CARE (Compassionate Accountability with Respect and Empathy) in their professional and personal lives. They LISTEN to people, LIFT people and LAUNCH people. Then they equip and empower them to do the same for others.

Many coaching, mentoring and community outreach programs employ what is known as a "deficit model" of working with people. That's where you focus on the problems (deficits) of a person, and then apply a set of pre-determined, cookie cutter steps and treatments to address their issues. The deficit-based model is what many well-meaning Helpers use, but it rarely works long-term, leaving Helpers wondering why their clients fail to break the cycles of addiction and recidivism.

However, CARE-Ready Life Coaching™ mirrors the principles found in the Best Practice principles of Strength-based, Solution-focused models. CARE-Ready life coaches are trained to connect with people in order to build a relationship/ partnership that empowers the client; thus allowing the client to discover the solutions that will work best for them.

Also, while many coaching programs focus on how to target potential high-paying affluent clients, and high-paying speaking opportunities, the Greens train, equip and empower Care-Ready Providers and Coaches™, who are willing to take on the most often overlooked people of society; those who live in under-served communities, who can least afford, but benefit the most from professional guidance.

Life Coach Nugget: Pressing Past Procrastination

In our continued pursuit as Life Coaches, to provide tools for women who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week we are going to return to our series of lessons from a book by Dr. Chris Thurman titled, The Lies We Believe. We are exposing the lies that we believe that hinder our ability to fulfill God's purpose for our lives. This week we're going to talk about how to press past procrastination. We're going to expose the lie that it’s easier to avoid problems than to face them.

Psychiatrist Scott Peck noted in the book, The Road Less Traveled, “Fearing the pain involved, almost all of us, to a greater or lesser degree, attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, hoping that they will go away.  We ignore them, forget them, pretend they do not exist… We attempt to get out of them rather than suffer through them. This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness."

That's a profound revelation that this tendency (toward procrastination) is the primary basis of mental illness. There are those of us who would prefer problems to just go away or have someone else deal with the issues we face on a daily basis. We know the problem won’t disappear so we hide our head in the sand like the ostrich.  Something happens to us on a deep emotional and mental level as we try to avoid issues.

Problems don’t go away just because we choose not to face them. As most of us know, they worsen and grow until we deal with them. I was a professional procrastinator in my twenties.

It usually occurred when someone asked me to do something that I didn’t really want to do and I just didn’t know how to say so.  I didn’t want the requesting person to be angry with me, so I’d put off making my true feelings known. I would avoid the person or avoid their phone calls until I could no longer put it off.  Of course the person would end up being angry with me anyway because I could have just said how I felt when they first asked.  Making a decision or responding quickly to a request was something I had to start learning to do in time.  It wasn’t something I was taught growing up in my household.       

I know first-hand why it is so important that we must live as examples before our children by facing our problems. This teaches them how to face theirs.  We can’t run from our problems because they’re difficult.  Each day has enough problems of its own, and these problems can blow up in our faces if we don’t deal with them as they happen. Those who avoid their problems usually end up with those problems becoming more complicated and harder to solve. Those who face their problems each day, save themselves a great deal of unnecessary suffering by working on and resolving the issues.  

The truth is, problems usually get worse when avoided, but handling issues as they arise saves you from unnecessary pain and aggravation. Your children will learn to avoid unnecessary pain and aggravation by watching how you handle your problems.
  

Dr. Chris Thurman, author of the book, The Lies We Believe, expressed that he is concerned that far too many parents damage their children by rescuing them from facing their problems.

He calls it misguided “love” empowered by this lie that life is easier if you avoid problems.  

We can leave our children ill prepared to face life if we don’t train them to be forthright in confronting problems. We have seen many young adults, through our years of ministry, who were not prepared for real life because their parents bailed them out of troubles in order to avoid the consequences that their child's decisions were bringing upon the entire family.

One of the observations my husband and I have made about the present generation is that they have no intestinal fortitude. They don't have the mental and emotional strength and endurance to work through problems and see things through to the point of resolution.  

As we were raising our sons in what the Bible refers to as "the way they should go", there were many times when we had to allow them to face the consequences of their decisions; even when those consequences inconvenienced the entire household. 

We did not try to shield them from what was happening in the world, especially in a world filled with fear, misunderstanding and hatred against young Black men. We gave them God’s point of view concerning what was happening, not only in their lives and their circle of influence, but in the world at large, so that it would not seem so overwhelming to them.  

No, they weren’t always happy about this direct approach, but they have told us how much they have come to appreciate the way they were raised.  In fact one of my sons said to me this past Mother’s Day, “Thank you Mom for your guidance and support through so many annoying and ignorant phases in my life. You're the best.”   
  

We had to be forthright and direct. The problems were not going to go away. We took the raising of African American men in God’s purpose, very seriously.  We raised them to have their dependence on God. Of course the conversations were always age appropriate, so as not to discuss an issue they weren’t ready for, but we weren’t afraid to discuss the hard, ugly and dangerous realities of life. 

When parents make a habit of rescuing their children from problems, the child does not have the chance to develop the appropriate coping skills they’ll need for handling life later on. The child has the potential of turning into an adult who is incompetent, lacks confidence, and constantly looks to other people to solve their problems.  

By pressing past procrastination ourselves, we established a pattern in our family that has helped our sons have confidence to face the issues of life, knowing they have the provision of God the Father and their parents' support.  

Philippians 3:13-14 says, “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  

We must press past the procrastination inclinations that will cause us even greater hardship while trying to reach the goal of the prize of God’s calling, purpose and destiny for our lives and families.

Recapture Your Life, 
Carol L. Green

Carol Green is an international columnist/writer with the Global Journalism Award winning team of Dr. Clyde Rivers and iChange Nations Social Media News™.  As Community Ambassadors, Global Leadership Ambassadors, and Urban Leadership awardees by iChange Nations™, she and her husband, Chris Green, were also appointed Goodwill Ambassadors of World Peace by Golden Rule International. They founded Fruitful Life Network, Inc. which provides a hope-based Life Coaching model that rebuilds, restores and renews hearts and homes in the urban community. Global Peace Ambassador, Dr. Clyde Rivers, calls them leading experts in connecting people to their path of discovery.

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Community Life Coaches Honored for a Decade of Innovative Service

Chris and Carol Green were publicly confirmed and acknowledged for receiving Honorary Doctorate Degrees in Christian Leadership (Chris) and Humanities (Carol), which were officially conferred upon them back on February 1, 2016, by the chief chancellor of the United Graduate College and Seminary International (UGCSI).

This public acknowledgment took place during a special evening of honor by iChange Nations™ who hosted their latest Golden Rule Award Ceremony on April 23rd at the United States Capitol Hill, Washington DC in the Washington Court Hotel.

iChange Nations™ recognizes Distinguished Leaders and those who are already part of their International Alumni who are effectively changing their community and nations through their efforts.

This is a recognized Ministry Degree that was conferred in acknowledgment of 11+ years of successfully implementing a new urban church model that produced an effective, family-impacting ministry in south central Pennsylvania. This innovative urban ministry model facilitates personal and relational healing. This new model provided the necessary training and preparation that helps attendees, students and seekers become effective community ready-responders who rescue hearts and homes.

"Exactly one year prior, April 25, 2015, Chris' job with the state of Pennsylvania came to an end," explains Carol Green. "This brought us face to face with the next step in God's plan and purpose for sending us and our family to south central Pennsylvania."

Afterwards they began working on a Master Certification for Life Coaching and expanding their work beyond the walls of the local church. Their practicum work, for earning their certification, included 60 hours of coaching individuals, but they immediately went well beyond that by taking their coaching into an unemployment center and a women's shelter. This led to opened doors for them to speak in other churches and organizations, including their home city of St. Louis, MO.

They started a non-profit, Fruitful Life Network, Inc, back in 2004, but they revived it to encompass their life coaching work.

Now plans are on the table to launch an urban leadership initiative that will train others in life coaching and equip them to go into and help various community outreaches that are already established and positively impacting the urban community.

"We are honored by this acknowledgement and we appreciate the kind words that are spoken about us," says the now publicly confirmed, Drs. Chris and Carol Green, "It is another key that we have been given to unlock doors that had been previously closed to us. Now we can go further in our mission to transform the lives of women from devastation to destiny."


World Peace Ambassador, Dr. Clyde Rivers calls Chris and Carol Green leading skilled experts in rebuilding, restoring and renewing hearts and homes. The Green are certified master life coaches who founded the Fruitful Life Network, Inc. an innovative community care and coaching outreach. 

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Life Coach Nugget: Pressing Past 'People Pleasing'

Ladies, in my last blog I talked about pressing past the lies regarding perfectionism.

In our continued pursuit to provide tools for women who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week we are going to take the time to expose the lie that is embedded in the thought that we must have everyone’s love and approval. 

This thought is connected to a desire to please people. It can cause us to change how we respond to people in any given situation. We will behave in one manner with a certain person or group and then change our behavior to fit in with another person or group. This people-pleasing behavior causes us to put our well being in the hands of others.  

This lie also gives power to those with whom we live, work and socialize, who thrive on people pleasers. These are people who easily manipulate people pleasers to gain power over them. They will gladly exercise that power over them.  

For people who have a drive to please others, they can open themselves to abuse. They can eventually become resentful because, after all of their efforts, they still can't please everyone.

This can lead to their becoming some pretty bitter human beings.

When I was in junior high school, I walked to and from school with a particular group of girls, but one of them simply did not like me for no reason that I could perceive.  She would make fun of me on the way to school and on the way home. The things she said were hurtful. It also hurt that no one else in the group would defend me.  

At first, I tried to ignore her because it didn’t make any sense to me, since I’d done nothing to her.  I tried to make her like me by buying candy to share with her, but she wouldn’t accept it.

I was in a no-win situation. There was nothing I could do to make her accept me, and the other girl's lack of response showed that I wasn't really accepted by them either. I finally had to find another group of girls. 

I learned, at that time and in the following years, that there is always going to be someone who chooses not to accept or approve of me, no matter what I do.  We must have the courage to be ourselves and recognize that when someone does not accept us, that it’s their issue and not ours. The disapproval of people is not a problem that we can fix by trying to change ourselves to fit their expectations. It's the other person’s responsibility to take the time to find out who we are, in order to make an informed decision about us.  

Of course it’s easier said than done, but having the approval of people, who choose to reject us, isn’t worth becoming divided within your own self and living life without integrity.  

Integrity is defined as doing the right thing in a reliable way; to be complete or undivided.

One of the traits most of us like about people of integrity is that they are “real”.  In any given situation they never change their personality and can be relied upon to say and live out what they really feel or think. 

Noted psychologist and author, Dr. Chris Thurman said in his book, The Lies We Believe,

“What does it profit to gain the whole world’s approval and lose our own souls?” 

There is a saying, “You can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

Galatians 1:10 says, “For do I now persuade men, or God?  Or do I seek to please men, for if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.”  

In other words, whoever you seek to please, you tend to focus on them. Therefore you will be controlled by them.  Do you want to be under the controlling influence of a loving God or by the whims of certain people who's approval we desire? A big part of your growth and success in life will be the ability to press past people pleasing.

Colossians 3:23-24 says, "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ."

Recapture Your Life, 

Carol L. Green


Carol Green is an international columnist/writer with the Global Journalism Award winning team of Dr. Clyde Rivers and iChange Nations Social Media News™.  As Community Ambassadors, Global Leadership Ambassadors, and Urban Leadership awardees by iChange Nations™, she and her husband, Chris Green, were also appointed Goodwill Ambassadors of World Peace by Golden Rule International. They founded Fruitful Life Network, Inc. which provides a hope-based Life Coaching model that rebuilds, restores and renews hearts and homes in the urban community. Global Peace Ambassador, Dr. Clyde Rivers, calls them leading experts in connecting people to their path of discovery.


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Life Coach Nugget: Pressing Past Perfectionism

Ladies, in my last blog I began talking about the lies we have received and believed. In our continued pursuit to provide tools for women who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week we are going to take the time to expose the lie regarding perfectionism.

What exactly is perfectionism?  Dr. David Burns, a psychiatrist who is a leading expert on the subject, offers a good answer:

I do not mean the highly healthy pursuit of excellence by men and women who take genuine pleasure in striving to meet high standards. Without concern for quality, life would seem shallow; true accomplishment would be rare. The perfectionists I am talking about are those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason; people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their self-worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.

There are many of us who struggle with feelings of inadequacy, not quite measuring up to, not only our own standards, but to the standards of our parents, teachers, professors, bosses, co-workers, and fellow Believers.  We spend time comparing our results to the results of those we admire and respect, or putting expectations on ourselves that are unrealistic. We take on duties or responsibilities that aren’t ours, in order to feel valued.  Some of us even take on a purpose that was not God-given in order to fulfill an unrealized dream of a loved one that we don’t want to disappoint. 

When we make mistakes or don’t measure up to the standards of perfection that we have set for ourselves, an unhealthy tape begins to play. We press replay, going over the mistakes again and again in our minds. We find ourselves using phrases like: "How could I have been so stupid?" We find ourselves thinking that we should have known better as we start mentally beating ourselves up, asking how could we have forgotten that detail.    

I admit to being a recovering perfectionist. Before going full-time in our own business, I worked for a state government agency. I had a good experience for a number of years before I took a new position. After I took the new position, for nearly a year I worked as an administrative assistant for a gentleman who was easy going and personable. 

Then he suddenly retired and I was assigned to a new person, a woman who had a reputation of being very difficult to work for; who was a perfectionist with very unrealistic expectations of her administrative assistants.  

This turned out to be true and my life became unbearable as I tried to measure up to the new expectations. When I realized I was working for a perfectionist, and later found out she was on medication, I also saw that she was overcompensating for a chemical imbalance. I lay awake countless nights, stressing and dreading having to go into work the next day. I was constantly fighting to not play the perfectionist tape over and over again in my mind. I knew God wasn’t expecting me to be perfect. He was expecting me to handle the situation maturely and I had done the best I could in that regard. 

My boss unrealistically expected me to not make any mistakes. I was in a position where I had to choose not to fixate on the fact that I could not meet the unrealistic expectations of a person who was overcompensating for their personal challenges.  Even though I tried not to fixate on my inability to meet the unrealistic expectations, I just couldn’t completely do so. It still got me from time to time.    

It is said, “To err is human”.  The Bible says it this way in Romans 3:21-23, "...but now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe for there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  

I John 1:8 says, "...if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." The basic definition of sin is 'missing the mark.' So I John 1:8 - paraphrased says, “If we say that we do not miss the mark, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”  

The goal is to understand that perfectionism is harmful to us and to those around us. We must understand that God is not a God of perfectionism. He is not demanding flawless performance from us. He would be violating His own word, where He spoke through the Apostle Paul who admonished fathers to not exasperate their children. 

Exasperation is the result of placing unrealistic expectations on them. We could never reach God’s standard on our own anyway. Christ met the standards on the cross. We must have a genuine reliance on Christ and live a lifestyle of heartfelt trust in Him rather than ourselves.

Recapture Your Life, 

Carol L. Green


Carol Green is an international columnist/writer with the Global Journalism Award winning team of Dr. Clyde Rivers and iChange Nations Social Media News™.  As Community Ambassadors, Global Leadership Ambassadors, and Urban Leadership awardees by iChange Nations™, she and her husband, Chris Green, were also appointed Goodwill Ambassadors of World Peace by Golden Rule International. They founded Fruitful Life Network, Inc. which provides a hope-based Life Coaching model that rebuilds, restores and renews hearts and homes in the urban community. Global Peace Ambassador, Dr. Clyde Rivers, calls them leading experts in connecting people to their path of discovery.


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